This Week’s Headlines & One-Liners

The Party of Five Reboot will have a New Twist

SPOILER ALERT: Their parents are alive!

The Party of Five reboot will have a new twist

 

Introducing the Sunion, an Onion That Doesn’t Make You Cry When You Chop It

Doctors are now replacing anti-depressants with Sunions. Side effects of this onion are a sunny disposition with uncontrollable laughter.

Introducing the Sunion, an Onion That Doesn’t Make You Cry When You Chop It

 

Bizarre Therapeutic Japanese Robot Cat Has No Head

Getting head costs you extra.

Bizarre Therapeutic Japanese Robot Cat Has No Head

 

This Winter Jacket Holds 12 Beers

This gut holds 24.

 

Chris Christie is the First NJ Governor in Decades who Didn’t Break a Leg During his Term

That’s why his performance was so bad.

Congrats to Chris Christie on not breaking his legs

 

German Linguists: ‘Alternative Facts’ the Non-Word of 2017

“Alternative” and “Facts” are two actual words. Are you sure it’s not covfefe?

German Linguists: 'Alternative Facts' the Non-Word of 2017

 

Indian Man Single-Handedly builds 8-Km Mountain Road so his Kids could visit More Often

And they still never come over.

Indian Man Single-Handedly Builds 8-Km Mountain Road So His Kids Could Visit More Often

 

Town Forced to put “No Human Pooping” Signs in Bus Shelters due to “Pooping Epidemic”

Because people who poop in public will really pay attention to signs.

'No Human Fouling' - why one town has been forced to put up ridiculous signs on its bus stops

 

Your old Polly Pocket could be Worth Hundreds

Of course! I had forgotten. That’s where I tucked away all of my birthday cash.

Your Old Polly Pocket Could Be Worth Hundreds

 

Why are Planes nearly always Painted White?

Because white is a light color.

Why are planes nearly always painted white?

 

Couple Tie the Knot on Mount Everest after gruelling Nine-day Trek

‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you.

Couple tie the knot on Mount Everest after gruelling nine-day trek

 

Disneyland Employees Are Not Allowed To Say “I Don’t Know” To Any Guest’s Question

Instead Disneyland employees say, “Good question. My cerebral cortex has seemed to fail me. My occipital lobe tells me you should ask the employee over there.”

Three simple words Disneyland employees are never allowed to say to curious fans

 

Sen. Jeff Flake: Trump using Techniques ‘Popularized by Joseph Stalin’ to Demonize Press

Trump – always needing to one-up his predecessors – builds an Iron Wall because an Iron Curtain sounded “too wimpy.”

Sen. Jeff Flake: Trump using techniques ‘popularized by Joseph Stalin’ to demonize press

 

White House struggles for 22 minutes to Mute Conference Call

Nothing new; White House has struggled to mute themselves for 12 months.

White House struggles for 22 minutes to mute conference call

 

Dude Hangs Hammock at Airport to get some Rest between a long Layover

Dude misses flight after hanging hammock at airport to get some rest.

Dude discovers genius way to get some rest and relaxation at the airport

 

Christian Evangelist on Roy Moore: ‘Lying is okay if it advances the kingdom of God’

“Lying is okay if it advances the kingdom of God.” This has been the Gospel of Moore. Praise be to you Lord Stephen Bannon. Amen.

RELIGIONChristian evangelist on Roy Moore: ‘Lying is okay if it advances the kingdom of God’

 

Prince George has a Precious Nickname for Queen Elizabeth II

Great-Grandmother

Prince George Has a Precious Nickname for Queen Elizabeth II

 

A Man Tosses a Treat at an Orangutan, the Orangutan decides to return the Favor

Don’t worry. Zoo officials stopped the ‘monkeying around’ before someone got hurt.

 

Ultrarunner Won Titles by Hiding in a Port-a-Potty

He was a winner with the runs.

Ultrarunner won titles by hiding in a port-a-potty

 

Taiwanese Man Divorces Wife because She only Bathed Once a Year

Woman bathes only once a year so Taiwanese man will divorce her.

or

“This relationship stinks!” couple exclaims.

Taiwanese Man Divorces Wife Because She Only Bathed Once a Year

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