Investigation finds Trump’s Inaugural Crowd Suffered from Shrinkage

WASHINGTON – White House officials reported Friday that President Donald J. Trump’s less confident supporters shrank to the size of an ant during the inauguration.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer said, “It was just like that movie from the 80s. You know the one. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.”

Except there wasn’t a machine that made the people shrink.

“It was because these particular Trump supporters were not completely confident of his plans,” said Dr. Kim Nease, neurologist and physiologist at Trump University. “They only supported him at a surface level so they started to shrivel.”

Nease has been studying shrinkage for a little over a decade.

“With the advent of social media, people started literally getting smaller in size when they had to stand up for their opinion in person,” Nease said. “People aren’t used to having to state their opinion face-to-face. It’s as if they start folding into themselves in a self-protection mode especially when they don’t have confidence in their opinion. Usually it’s a slight loss in height of about an inch. We’ve never seen people who shrank to 18 millimeters.”

Nease reported that the rain was probably a factor. She said coldness and rain makes everything smaller.

“We knew that President Trump had the largest inaugural crowd ever,” Spicer said. “The reports of low turnout that were coming out in the press were not correct so we launched an investigation right away.”

Nease and her staff have been on the case since the morning after the inauguration. All it took was a large magnifying glass to find the people who were still stuck in the grass of the National Mall. In the two weeks since the inauguration, they have found 280,333 tiny Trump supporters. Each one was transported safely home.

“Don’t worry,” Nease said. “The safe environment of their own home will get them to expand to their regular size. If it was one of your relatives who got smaller, you’ll know they’re OK when they respond to your Facebook post about protesting.”